I was celebrating the Holidays this past Friday at a gathering at The Venue with my friend (and coincidentally, my insurance agent) Kim Peters when the topic of discussion turned from the succulent nature of the carved roast, to the more pressing matter of why clowns are still in existence. I have been a lifelong proponent for the eradication of clowns but I have largely kept my opinion to myself because I wouldn’t want to “steal the joy” of clownery from the rest of the world. As it turns out… the rest of the world feels the same way I do.
It wasn’t so long ago that I read an online report on a research study that took place in England. 100% of the respondents responded negatively to the question “Do you think clowns are funny?” My college professors would be hugely disappointed in the fact that I don’t have a citation for this research article… but you are just going to have to believe that it exists. So, let’s take another look at the results of the study again. 100% of respondents did not think clowns were funny. This begs the question, were any of the respondents clowns themselves? If they are not funny, what is the point of the existence of clowns? In my humble opinion, clowns are only here to be the source of phobias and horror movie fodder.
After coming to this conclusion, I propose we shut down the clown colleges! We need to end the reign of clown terror that they have spread among us like marshmallow crème (extra creamy and evil.) In the event planning and catering industry we get many weird and wonderful requests (That’s a whole other blog) but I have never had a client ask for clowns. This is a good thing, because I actually don’t know any clowns. If I did, they would never know my real name or address.
It would only be fair if I were able to lie about my identity to a clown the same way they lie to me (and you) with each brushstroke of makeup they apply to their face. Each polka dot of deception on their oversized jumpsuits. Each bulbous red plastic nose glued to their heavily made up face. Every oversized shoe and honking horn accessory…
But I digress…
Let us pull together as a community and infiltrate these clown cells and bring them all back into a society where they can take up another occupation such as a produce manager in the local grocery store, or an alligator wrangler, or an automobile mechanic that only works on Volkswagens. As a society, we can tame this unnatural evil and make a better world for our children…
A world without clowns…
